One of my readings was so amazing. I realized that not only did it apply to victims of sex trafficking but to anyone who has been abused. Abuse is something that affects the entire person and it is something that so many people have had to overcome. I think it is important for people to understand what an abused person struggles with in order to make us more aware. After all, awareness if the first step in deciding to make a difference. And something needs to be done about the sex-trafficking issue and abuse in general.

This is an excerpt that I was required to read. It explains how trauma and abuse impacts the victim’s personhood. In this case, it deals specifically with young girls who are victim to sexual abuse (human sex trafficking) but I think it can be applied to any victim of  any kind of abuse!

Three aspects in us that is affected by sexual abuse and trauma:
• Voice
• Relationship
• Power

“We defined voice as that which articulates personhood. It is the person speaking himself or herself out into the world in truth. It explains the person to others in ways that can be heard and understood. We were not meant to live in silence. To live with chronic abuse is to live in silence, to be shut up. The voice of one so abused has been crushed. The victim is made inarticulate by intense fear. She is silenced by the deafness of others. . . She lives in a world where voices lie, distort, and deceive. So she lies to
herself and distorts the truth of her life in order to survive.”

“Ongoing sexual abuse requires the child to live alone. She is isolated because she cannot ‘tell.’ She is alone because no one comes to comfort. She is forsaken by those who were meant to sustain. She is not known in truth, for the fact that she is a little girl being abused is rejected and denied. She is not loved; to love is to protect and preserve, but she is being harmed and destroyed. Though the pretense of relationship may exist for the outside world, it is just that—a pretense. . . The chronically abused child not only lacks a ‘secure base’ but also faces in that base a climate of pervasive terror and danger. Relationship has become a house of horrors.”

“When a child lives with unpredictable, terrifying, and relentless abuse, she experiences herself as perpetually powerless. Such phrases as ‘ it doesn’t matter’ and ‘forget it’ are frequent comments among survivors and are usually said with a shrug of the shoulders. They have learned that what matters to them does not matter to others. Who they truly were was invisible in the home, for no response was given to the abuse. Every effort they made to stop the abuse was ineffective. No matter what they did or said, it came again and again. They perceive themselves either has having no impact on the people around them or as extremely powerful in a lethal way; they define themselves—or have had others define them—as the source of evil that was done. Power, like voice and relationship, has been destroyed, marred beyond recognition.”

– Diane Langberg

Today…I ventured a quick trip to Walmart. While I am not a fan of Walmart, its conveniently located stores make it difficult to not go in a grab your purchases. Plus…in today’s economy saving two dollars here and there does help. I wandered to the coffee aisle ready to buy my regular Folgers or Maxwell coffee. As I was browsing through the more “exotic” brands I made an extremely exciting discovery. There in front of me was a line of fair trade coffee products.
Not only were the coffees fair trade products, but they were Sam’s Choice (Walmart Brand) coffees. I have not idea how long they have carried these products but I was very happy to see this. Not only is the coffee fair trade but it is also relatively inexpensive. They are priced at $5.00 for a 12oz bag. There is a house blend, espresso roast, French roast and even Costa Rican coffee (my current selection).

“What does that mean”

When I was telling my friend how excited I was, she asked “what does that mean, what is fair trade”. For those of you who don’t know what fair trade means let me briefly explain. In short, fair trade means that the farmers and farm workers of fair trade products are given higher incomes and living standards by guaranteeing that they will be paid fairly for their products. In addition they are guaranteed direct trade, community development, safe labor conditions and environmental sustainability. The main goal is to provide the workers and the families of the workers with better working conditions and better pay. While there is criticism that fair-trade does not work and is just another marketing trick…I don’t feel that this is so. I choose to believe that companies really have realized that these hard working families need better pay and better working conditions.

So…

As I sit here sipping on my cup of Costa Rican coffee, I hope that these farmers and their families have benefited from my small, yet well-meaning purchase. The coffee is very good and I hope that everyone who reads this will give the coffee a chance. If not this coffee then try and buy fair trade. There are many fair trade products out there and many are well priced. After all we can all do a small part to improve the lives of others around the world.

I’ve been wondering more and more about to go from ordinary to extraordinary. I see these amazing people around me impacting the wold, living amazing lives.
How do they do that? How did they go from ordinary to something so much better. Was it chance? Hard work, opportunity? Incredible women and men who have totally turned this world upside down with their beauty, their amazing work and their willingness to help people. I want to turn the world upside and do amazing things to help people. I don’t want to be satisfied with the ordinary. Yet somehow I get sucked into the ordinary, the daily grind and mediocrity of life. So how do I change that…how do I become more than what I am?

I live a life of I I privilege,

A life many do not know
I wake up every morning in a warm bed
I shower with hot water and “fancy soap”
I own $50 foundation and a $20 dollar brush to put it on with

I own a closet full of clothing and struggle to decide what to wear
I have too many shoes and those with holes get quickly replaced for new hole-less ones
I own nice purses which I dare not put on the floor
And I can afford to replace my sunglasses whenever I loose them

I own a car that moves and takes me places without having walking
I have money to spend on a $4.00 cup of coffee
I eat three meals a day and drink purified water
And I have a pantry stocked full of food and never go hungry

I live a life of privilege
A life many do not know
I should never complain
I should never take it for granted
I should never forget
……and yet I do, I often forget, I often take it for granted

You know those songs that really speak to how you feel at that exact moment? Well, this morning at 1:34 am, Gavin sang this song to me. I don’t think I could blog about this any better. There is so much confliction and inconsistency in my life and his words speak it beautifully! Thank you Gavin…you are amazing!

I’m a poor, I’m a rich

I’m a mountain, and a ditch
I’m a dagger, and a shield
I’m impatient, I’m a yield

And I wanna be free
Wind in my hair
Salt on my skin
Sun in the air
I have to feel love
Holding on me
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need

I’m the fight and the dance
I am heartbreak and romance
The feather and the stone
I feel crowded and alone

And I wanna be free
Wind in my hair
Salt on my skin
Sun in the air
I have to feel love
Holding on me
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need

And every once in a while
I wanna sit back and enjoy the view
I’m feeling my senses
But woman my life has been surrounded by fences
But I found some that I could see through
I could see through

And I wanna be free
Wind in my hair
Salt on my skin
Sun in the air
I have to feel love
Holding on me
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need

Everything that you would ever need
Everything that you would ever need

“Going to the movies”?

-”Nope…no money”

“What do you want for dinner”

-”Anything as long I don’t have to pay for it”

I, like many people have been consumed with financial thoughts. They usually surround me complaining that the government is a pain because they have not given me my homeowners tax credit or that I have no money for new winter clothes or Christmas presents. These were some of my thoughts as I was driving in Atlanta on West Paces Ferry yesterday. At a light I happened to look over to my right and saw a man selling roses. It suddenly struck me how many times I have seen this man standing there in a light jacket selling these flowers. Almost every time I go through West Paces Ferry I see this guy.

I see him but never really look.

Yesterday as I was waiting for the light to change I actually looked at him. I realized that he must have been cold standing there with this buckets of flowers. He wore light clothing (no nice heavy wool coat). He wasn’t really dirty but he didn’t look like he was well groomed. He stood there looking at  the cars pass him by, every once in awhile moving forward a little in anticipation of a customer.

Suddenly it hit me….

……..you know that sick feeling in your stomach that makes you want to open the door and literally spill your guts on the pavement……….guilt.

I don’t know this man…don’t know his story. He could be a shady unkind man. He could be a con-artist (unlikely, but u never know), a murderer…..who knows. The thing is, there he is on the same little spot selling his flowers. Although I don’t know him and his story I felt guilty. There I was in a warm car with my thousand dollar camera, two-thousand dollar computer and a bunch of other junk and I was selfishly thinking about myself.

I say I am generous but sometimes I really have to do some self-evaluation. Do I still give to the poor and homeless with either my time, money or food. It doesn’t matter what these people have done…everyone needs compassion…everyone needs someone to be a little selfless every now and then.

My guilt is that I have soo much….tooo much! Yet, I still complain that I don’t have enough clothes, that I don’t make enough money, that I don’t have the right software. My guilt is that I can remember seeing this guy months and months ago….and until now I have never really “seen” him.

So….to my audience I want to let you know that one day before the year is up…I will buy some flowers from this guy…no large feat, but I feel like I need to give up my selfishness. As hard as it is to say…I am one of the most selfish people I know, and I hate that!

In a conversation I had recently with a friend I realized how difficult friendships can be. In a friendship, as in life, there is always an element of risk. Do you risk allowing someone into your life who may indeed hurt you in the long run? Do you risk going that extra mile to help your friend, because you know when you need them they may let you down? So much risk involved and sometimes it does not always seem worth it.

However, when you do take the plunge, when you do allow someone in…there are moments when you thank God that you have this person in your life. Those moments that you share with them…those moments when the world seems to stop. When your conversations, your laughter, your tears are totally in sync. The moment when you look at your friend and know that they “just get it”. These moments are precious. They endure. They are real.

So when you are let down, when that friendship waivers or ceases to exist at all…those times endure. They define you and give you something to hold onto.

Is it worth the hurt then, is it worth the pain and sacrifice that it takes to let people in your life? To know that time and time again you may be hurt, that you will cry, that you may end up feeling used and empty? As a friend who is use to giving more than getting, who loves her friends unconditional and longs for that in return, who has lost several friends….as this woman, I say yes. Yes because my life would not be the same without those amazing moments, without the joy I felt in those times, without those amazing people who impacted my life. It is not always easy…but life is never easy.

In middle school you spend most of your time learning and trying to find a place to fit in…to be accepted to BELONG.

Here I am 22 and still trying to find a place to fit in, to be accepted to belong. Mind you there are other struggles such as: What do I want out of this life, what kind of person do I want to be, what do I want to do in this life, how can I change this world? These things didn’t seem to matter as much in middle school.

Nevertheless, what does it say about us if we are still facing some of the same insecurities that we faced as middle schoolers. If we still worry about how to change or act in order to make some guy/girl like us, if we still worry about making sure we say or do the right thing in order to gain approval, if we worry about the shallowness of appearances.

I found myself leaning against a wall in PE looking at all the students. I felt like I could classify the “cool kids”, “the kids who tried to be cool”, “the smart kids” “the outsiders…and then as I walked from one end of the gym to the other and passes a group of girls who started laughing as I was passing by, I felt suddenly insecure…”OMG, are they laughing at me, do I have a booger, is there toilet paper on my shoe…”

I am 22. I am 22 and still struggling with insecurity, with self doubt. Should a group of middle school girls make me question myself? Should I be worried about what they might have been saying…

I feel like my first experience as a substitute taught me more about myself than any experience has in quiet some time.